Thoughts from a heart that has been broken. 21/66

Today is a day like no other in the year. As today it has been 7 years since one of my sweet angels returned to heaven. To say I miss her is a monumental understatement. I feel a deep aching that there is no cure for and one that time only softens but does not heal. In her short 22 and a bit years our lives were blessed to love and know her and to have her laughter and light in our everyday. Love is forever and that is how long I will hold her heart in mine. Till we meet again xxx

loss  jess11

20 Minutes exercise

It was a cool clear morning as Riley and I headed out onto the beach. My mind was a rush of jumbled thoughts of all that could have been and is lost but also of all the gratitude I feel for the gift of this beautiful girl.

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It took a while for me to settle and Riley, as if knowing my turmoil, stayed close and kept turning to see if I was still there. It would have been easy to not go and to lay in bed and want the world to go away but I chose to get up and walk. This has already become and integral part of my day and I have come to realise that it is part of the healing of my soul. So we walked…

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We passed the old timer and continued on alone. Just the two of us, no words needing to be spoken just doing our thing and breathing hoping the calm would arrive.

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We went all the way to half way down the third rock shelf before turning for home. By now the sun was peaking through the last clouds and it felt good to be warmed by its rays. My mind although still filled with thoughts and emotions was at least less jumbled. Time to go home.

20 minutes reading/planning.

I write on her tribute page a couple of times a year and today it was for some reason more difficult.  What was in my heart was much deeper and more poignant than what I could convey in words. It was as if someone had ripped open a piece of time and the feelings were raw. The tears flowed and I let them….  Sometimes that is all you can do… I wrote:

Seven years. Seven moments frozen in time. Seven tears. Seven gratitude’s.

It does not seem real that today you have been gone for seven years so much has happened and so many times we have all wished you were here.

Seven tears have been shed for the things we have missed.
Your voice and your laughter that was infectious and bright.
Your shoes and your fashion sense that gave us delight.
Your presence and hugs when the world wasn’t shining,
But most of all you in your whole quirky loving compassionate way.

Seven gratitude’s are so easy to find
For the gift of you in our lives that is one
For the generous heart that loved everyone
For the smile that could easily set laughter free
For your gentle way of caring that makes number three
For your courage as you battled into the unknown
For your love of all people that was never overthrown
For your secrets and dreams that you shared from your heart
For the knowledge that in spirit we will never be apart.

Jess6 Forever in my heart xxx

20 Minutes learning.

I am learning a lot about myself from this process. About my ability to keep on going and to get up and say bring it on!! I have reflected on my life often of late and have realised more than ever before that everything !?!?!? that has occurred has been a learning experience. I have learnt compassion and have struggled with a grief so large that at times I have thought it would swallow me up. I have watched as others that I love have struggled with this same grief and pain in their own unique ways.

What I know for sure is that I would not go back and change things, I would not choose to miss having her in my life so that I did not have to feel this exquisite pain. For it is in the darkest moments that I have realised the strength she had and the love that she gave to all of us to sustain us.

I feel blessed to be her mother and know that her father sisters and brother feel likewise. We love her still.

Peace and light and comfort to all who have struggles in life.  Ali xxx

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