Birthday girl I miss you… Tears and sorrow. 46/66

Some days can drop you to your knees and today is one of those days.

It is my honour to be a parent of 4 amazing individuals who each is a gift in my life beyond compare. 30 years ago today my second child was born. It rained that day and as I headed out onto the beach today it rained.

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It was a poignant moment as my heart was aching a kind of unfinished ache for someone who left us too soon. Her journey here was cut short by bowel cancer aged 22 just 25 days short of her 23rd birthday.

Seven years on and it is still an ache that is as raw on her birthday as it was when she was returned to heaven…  So today I surrender to my memories of her, my heartache, and to her three siblings who I know feel this day as deeply as do I.

jess1My dancing angel.

20 minutes exercise

It seemed really fitting that the rain was rolling in marking this day of mixed emotions.

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I walked with a feeling in my stomach that defies words. No talking today just walking. The Giant held my hand and I let the misty rain wash over my face as I walked.

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Just before we got to the last rock shelf I felt overwhelmed and the tears fell. Deep sobbing tears that came from way down in my soul. The Giant wrapped his arms around me and we just stood on the beach… embracing… feeling… silent.

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The sea on my feet, rain on my face and tears I could taste. Somehow cathartic enabling me to move on and start my day.

20 minutes learning.

The Angel loved music and so as I practised my guitar this morning I thought about her dancing spirit and somehow it made me smile.

20 minutes reading.

Memorial pages are a blessing and a curse. They enable us to reflect on all the wonderful pictures of the one we have loved and lost and still love. Yet they also remind us of the pain felt by so many people at the passing of the loved one. There was a time when the rawness of that pain was the only thing that reminded me I was still alive. Now the pain comes deeply on the special days and fades a bit on the others.

Today I read all the posts from people who are wondering what your life would have been like if you were still here…

It would have been spectacular, loving and beautiful.

How do I know this?   I know this because the three siblings you left behind are spectacular, loving and beautiful and you would have been no more or no less than they are.

Forever in my heart.  Peace light and memories.  Ali xxx

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